“Toothbrush Tantrums & Bathtime Blues”

01.07.2015

Ever since he was little, we’ve never really had much of an issue with J brushing his teeth or having a bath or shower. He went through a phase about a year or so ago of not being keen to have a bath, but at the suggestion of my friend @TheLittleBoysWhoWaited we introduced glo sticks to the bath as a reward and because he adores glo sticks this totally reversed the situation – it ended up being difficult to get him out of the bath!

For the last couple of months though, for no apparent reason, J has had an aversion to brushing his teeth and having a bath or shower. Yesterday was a prime example – he was fabulous all day, from getting dressed in the morning and walking to school, all the way through beyond dinnertime. He went upstairs with Daddy P at 8pm for bedtime without any fuss. He got into his PJs. He walked into the bathroom, and took hold of his toothbrush. And there the argument started.

He brushed his teeth for perhaps 10 seconds before stopping. Daddy P asked him to carry on. “Please will you help me, daddy” was the plead. Daddy P said “You carry on for a little longer, and I’ll check them when you’re finished” J wasn’t having any of it. He repeated his plea again and again and again, becoming louder, becoming more upset, begging Daddy P to help him.

Now, this is where we hit a stumbling block. Daddy P will continue repeating himself as much as J is, gradually getting louder and more upset, and the two of them end up getting upset and frustrated and saying the same thing over and over again. It doesn’t resolve anything and it upsets me to hear them go at it like that. Eventually Daddy P walked away and J was trying to bargain with him “If you come back, I’ll do it” and Daddy P was saying “No, you haven’t done it when I’ve asked you all the other times, why would I believe you now?” I went to the bathroom and prevented J from getting out of it, explained calmly that he needed to carry on brushing his teeth and Daddy P would come back as soon as he carried on. He tried to get past me, his breathing fast, tears rolling down his cheeks, pleading with me, “I need to get out, I need to get Daddy” and I was saying “No, no, if you sit down and do as you’ve been asked Daddy comes back, if you don’t then he won’t” but it took quite a while for him to calm down and do it. Maybe we’re doing it wrong – we’ve tried every way we can think of and it still continues to be an issue. He knows how to brush his teeth – he knows to brush his teeth for 2 minutes – he was so taken with Daddy’s electric toothbrush we got him his own special Spiderman one which he loves – his toothpaste hasn’t changed, he still uses the Aquafresh one for his age group and suddenly halfway through the existing tube he started complaining that it’s “too minty”.

Every morning before school he brushes his teeth for me without an issue. I cannot work out why on earth he feels so differently about brushing his teeth in the evening – and it’s not just Daddy P that has this toothbrush terror experience, if it’s my turn the same happens at the same point. I don’t know why, I don’t know what kicked it off, I don’t know how to stop it because I don’t know what started it.

As for bathtime … well … I really don’t know what on earth happened there. Our shower was replaced a while back, when the motor failed in the old one, but J is still very much focused on the noise of the shower, despite the fact the noise was due to the old one having issues and the new one is much more quiet. However like with his horror about hand driers in public toilets, as soon as you reach for the shower controls in front of him he freaks out, covering his ears, “No, no, no, no” crying big fat tears and trying to run away and hide. I keep saying it’s OK, it’s the new shower, it’s not as noisy, but even so it takes a while for him to calm down.

Once in the shower, he then doesn’t want you to wet his head, because he’s so frightened of water going over his face. Despite the fact he hasn’t had a ‘bad’ experience of soap in his eyes, and I’ve deliberately got him some kids shampoo which doesn’t sting the eyes, he will have a massive freak out about that, too, and then he’ll refuse to look up like you’re asking so the bubbles and water goes into his eyes and over his face and despite the fact it’s kids shampoo he’ll freak out. He doesn’t like the way the water feels on him, because it tickles, and rather than saying “it’s too hot” or “it’s too cold” he’ll just squeal a high pitched squeal and dance and try to run away so you’re left frustrated and trying to guess what the issue is. Sounds like it’s easier to just give him a bath, right? Wrong.

The trouble with a bath, is getting him in it. He’ll come into the bathroom and then run out again. He’ll shout, he’ll scream, he’ll freak out. He’ll squeal about the temperature of the water, and if you manage to persuade him to put one toe into the water chances are he’ll scream even more and run off screaming. If you manage to get a whole foot in, then it’ll be with much screaming and crying and guilt on my part because I think this cannot be good for him – it must be re-enforcing the idea in his head that bathtime is something to be feared and dreaded and seen as something horrible. Once in the bath, he’s OK, and he’ll wash no problem, but again the hair washing is a traumatic experience, with more screaming and crying and carrying-on.

Last weekend, we went to my in-laws house, as my sister in law was there for the weekend. With her was my nephew and my niece. J was thrilled to be going round there and seeing them but unfortunately he was far too over-excited from the start and the day was particularly exhausting with much screaming, crying and stressing – and that was just me! I’d had a brainwave, that we’d take J’s bath stuff with us so him and his cousin A could have a bath together; they’d last done it back around Christmas, and had a great time of it, thoroughly enjoying themselves and there was no issue at all from J about any of it. I thought maybe – just maybe – his cousin being there would make the experience more enjoyable for J.

How wrong could I be. It was a traumatic experience of tears, screaming, shouts of “no, no, no” , running off, refusing to get into the bath, arguing etc. Poor A looked on confused – he loves bathtime! – as his older cousin was freaking out completely and the noise in the bathroom was amazing. Little baby A, my niece, came upstairs with Grandma and to my amusement she seemed to find it entertaining – it was deafening in the bathroom but there was little A giggling away as if it was the funniest thing in the world! Me, however, I was less entertained. I was hot, I was exhausted, and I was on the verge of crying. I had to get Daddy P upstairs to help as everything I asked J to do he was refusing to do as I asked.

The entire experience was horrible, and exhausting, and left me cross with J, which made me upset with myself for being cross with J.

I’m becoming impatient now for this CDC assessment – not to put J into a box, but because without this assessment I’m unable to get the support I need right now for dealing with instances like this. As I said, I’m sure by forcing the issue and getting into stressful situations like this isn’t good for any of us – but he needs a bath, or a shower, the same as he needs to brush his teeth, so what else can I do apart from keep persevering, which leads to these awful situations? I can’t cope with his meltdowns at the moment, they’re getting more frequent and more difficult to get under control, and then when myself or Daddy P gets upset as well I feel even more disappointed in ourselves. We’re going round and round in circles, with no sign of it getting any better. I don’t want to spend my time shouting and arguing with him and taking away his pleasures and making things miserable for him, but I need help to better control these situations, to get them under control quickly and prevent them escalating or, even better, help to understand why he is reacting in this way and how I can stop it before it’s started.

His sensory perception seems to go into overload in the summer – whether it’s the heat, the bright colours, the crowds of people, the noise, a combination of it all, I’m not sure, but at times my wonderful, brilliant, bright little boy goes into complete meltdown and I’m powerless to stop it or help him. It seems to get worse each time summer rolls round – whether it’s as he’s getting older, or it’s because the summer is becoming more difficult for him to deal with as he gets older, I’m not sure, but we started off very positively with regards to support from his school with this but since his ed psych assessment we seem to have hit a brick wall and seem to be going nowhere. It looks like nagging Mummy P is going to have to rear her head again in order to get things moving once more.

With that in mind, I’m off to call the school SENCO to arrange a catch up meeting and see if we can’t shift things along a bit. Perhaps with her job role she’ll be able to contact the CDC and enquire whether we’re expected to wait much longer for his assessment, as I fear the longer we wait, the more damage is being (unintentionally) done. I hate the constant battles with him, he’s my boy and all I want to do is love him and protect him, but at times when your buttons have been pushed all day, all week long and you’re tired and fed up of the same old thing, it’s difficult not to snap and shout and handle things badly – I hold my hands up, I am only human after all and I do make mistakes! But I hope with some support and guidance we can make it through this without it ending in the big tears of upset, disappointment and guilt that too-often accompany our days.

Peace & Love,

Mummy P

x x x x x

If you’ve never dealt with a person with autism, it can be difficult to understand. While J remains undiagnosed, as time goes on I feel it is the key to unlocking his issues, better understanding them and helping him. While a diagnosis will make no difference to how I feel about my son, it will help me get the support he needs both at school and at home. For more information on autism, please visit the National Autistic Society UK page.

“Days Like These”

23/06/15

Sometimes, we have periods of days at a time where J’s behaviour is fabulous. Not flawless, because what four year old child is, but days at a time when we don’t have meltdowns or tantrums, hitting or throwing things.

At other times, we struggle to get through a day without several instances of up / down behaviour. Days like these are exhausting. Days like these, when I’m pushed to my limits, I wonder how I can cope, I wonder what I’m doing wrong, I wonder why I’m such a rubbish mum that he acts this way. Days like these are, unfortunately, more often than not.

Today, we’d had a fabulous day. He was up this morning in a good mood, well rested and energised. He ate breakfast and got washed and dressed without me having to prompt him every two minutes to hurry up. We left the house on time and he walked nicely to school, holding my hand, chattering excitedly as four year olds do at 8.30am about who he was going to see, who he wanted to play with and talk to, and the things he wanted to do. At school, the door opened and he gave me a hug and a kiss and with a casual, “Bye mum, love you” over his shoulder he ran full pelt up the ramp and into school. The teacher who stands at the door looked over to me and gave me a big smile and two thumbs up. I smiled and gave her a thumbs up back. A successful morning.

At the end of school, the teaching assistant Miss Brown said to me that J had a good day. She said they’d spoken about the school trip tomorrow and he was excited about it – I had been dubious as he’d been rather apprehensive last week at the prospect of travelling out of school without me or Daddy P – but she said today they’d had a chat and she’d told him some of the things they’d be seeing and doing and he was looking forward to it. One of the children celebrates their birthday tomorrow, so their birthday lunch was today and each child in the class walked out with a cupcake. Miss Morris, the other teaching assistant, smiled at me and said it had been a good day today. J came out happily, clutching his cupcake, and took my hand to walk out of the school without any issue.

We walked part of the way home with his best friend, K, and her mum and baby sister. J and K were chatting and hugging the whole time, as they do, and when we got to the point where they head in the opposite direction to get to their house, K ran off from her mum because she wanted to come home with us. Instead of running off to join her, J stood next to me, holding my hand, and called her a silly head for running away from her mum, and told her she should come back and hold her mums hand, because we were on a main road and, as he pointed out, main roads are dangerous and she shouldn’t be running around like that next to one. When she ran back, her mum managed to get hold of her hand, and she and J hugged and kissed and said goodbye. Without any argument, J then turned and walked away from her, still holding my hand, and we walked home. A successful school pick up.

At home, he got changed and then we sat down to do his homework. He was a bit silly about it at times, and got a bit distracted, but I reminded him that it needed to be done before I’d let him watch any TV (the biggest threat there meaning he couldn’t watch his beloved DanTDM Minecraft videos on YouTube) It helped to focus him, and the homework was finished before the timer went off. He watched some YouTube videos while I cooked his dinner, and ate most of his dinner before the timer went off. A successful homework and dinner time.

Daddy P got home from work, and we watched TV together with J cuddled up on the sofa with me, and Daddy P and I ate dinner. Unfortunately it ended up that it was later than it should have been by the time J went upstairs with Daddy P and that’s where the issues started. To start off J didn’t want to get into his PJs – then he started being silly about brushing his teeth, and started arguing with Daddy P about it. It didn’t take long for this to escalate, as they (metaphorically) butted heads as only a parent and a child who share a similar personality will do. The job of brushing teeth before bed, which should in theory take only a couple of minutes, turned into a 20 minute mission with J becoming upset, frustrated, crying, shouting, kicking, hitting, calling Daddy P a meanie head and generally the both of them becoming wound up by what should have been a straightforward situation.

Once it was done, and J was back in his bedroom, the switch flicked again and J was calm, wanting cuddles, seeking my affection and wanting to snuggle down and have stories read to him, as if the screaming and shouting of the last 20 minutes hadn’t happened.

It was only a small hiccup in an otherwise fabulous day. For J, it was a tiny glitch and given that it wasn’t a huge meltdown and it only lasted 20 minutes, that was a very minor moment over the whole day. But it’s an example of how quickly his mood will swing.

It’s difficult, as his parent, not to continue feeling annoyed and disgruntled with him for the less desirable behaviour once the moment has passed and he is once again ‘up’ and behaving in a more desirable way. You have to literally take a moment to have a deep breath before you continue, because if you carry on feeling down after a glitch like that, you’ll very quickly push J back into another moment. The more moments he has over the day, the more tiring it is for you both, and the worse the day feels. If you can get over it as quickly as he does, and move onto the next moment of the day without carrying those feelings of annoyance over from one moment to the next, then you’re going to have a better day.

It’s difficult, because parents who don’t deal with this type of behaviour often (I’m sure) think I’m being soft on J, that I’m somehow not punishing him enough for the less desirable behaviour, that I’m forgiving and forgetting too easily – but he processes things and deals with things in a different way to the generally accepted way of processing and dealing, and I’ve found that for him, my way of dealing seems to work well (on the whole). I break each day down into small segments – as well as remembering that he processes differently, he is only four years old, he’s still learning and developing, and a day to him is a long period of time, so it’s important, I think, not to carry on about something that happened in the morning well into the evening – it’s lost relevance by then. By breaking the day down into smaller segments, it makes it easier for him to process and it makes it easier for him to understand consequences of his actions. There’s no point telling him off in the evening for something he did in the morning. At the end of each day, we talk about the day in segments, and I award him stickers for each segment if he has behaved well for that particular segment. If not, no sticker, and then we count up how many stickers he has earned over the whole day, so then this allows him to see whether he has had a good day or a not so good day.

I’m learning more and more each day from him on what works better, how he works, what works for us as a team as we try to understand one another, what’s expected, what’s accepted, and we both make mistakes on a daily basis. The most important thing to me, is that no matter what, J knows I’m on his side; I’m trying my best, and I know he is, too. This journey we’re on has only just begun, and it’s exhausting and overwhelming and daunting, but we’ll make it together, because after all, he’s my boy, I’m his mum, and that love gives me the strength to fight these battles with him, to stand up straight and look to the future and not to be scared of it, but to want to educate myself, and others, and to find out all I can to help me better understand how I can support him.

It does make me angry and frustrated when people stare because he’s stimming, or behaving in a way they don’t understand because he’s feeling overwhelmed in a situation, but it doesn’t help to try and deal with them at the same time, so I tend to block out everyone else and deal with J as if we’re the only two people there. Quite often when I’m doing that, other people try and talk to me, try to help, try to make suggestions, and I find it easier to ignore them, which I’m sure they think is me being rude, and in a way it is, but my point is that I need to deal with him and the issues that he is having at that time – He is my priority, and with someone else trying to interfere with that it is not helping the situation.  If they stick around for long enough after the incident for me to speak with them, I’ll try to explain, but more often than not people tend to either leave you to it or when you try and explain they think you’re making excuses for what is a badly behaved child. I’ve overheard people say that I just need to tell him no, that I need to be more strict with him, that I need to give him a smack, and trust me when I say there have been times when I’ve wondered the same myself – but I’m not soft on him, he has rules and limitations and I don’t let him run riot, so even though I have these moments of doubt I can say confidently that this isn’t the reason for his less desirable behaviour. As for giving him a smack – well no, I don’t believe that solves anything. I have slapped his hands for things like reaching toward the fire or going to poke the dog, but I’m not the sort of person who believes that smacking a child to discipline them works, on the whole. I prefer to teach by example, rather than using fear of physical injury.

We’re no closer to any kind of diagnosis, which is frustrating, because I’m still waiting for an appointment for his assessment with the CDC. Having said that, I appreciate we are already at this point in the process, as I know of other people whose children are older than J who are still waiting for their GP to provide a referral, or for their child’s school to recognise an issue and start the ball in motion. I’m relieved that J’s school picked up on it quickly, and early on, and have taken it seriously, and I’m grateful to the SENCO at his school who has been by my side from early on supporting me and guiding me to get to the bottom of it all.

We’re just taking each day as it comes – as exhausting and exhilarating as it is – but by doing that we’re getting through each week, each month – and each year. He’ll be five in a little over two months time, yet it seems like just yesterday he was born. While some days feel endless, and I’m exhausted and don’t think I can do it all again tomorrow, we’re getting there together and at the end of each day, no matter what it’s been like, when he hugs me tightly and tells me he loves me, I know absolutely that every single moment is worthwhile.

Peace & Love,

Mummy P

x x x x x

An Update on J

06.05.15

So far, J remains unlabelled and undiagnosed. We’ve been in discussions with the SENCO at his school now for some time and both she and the school are very supportive of J’s requirements and he was fortunate enough to have an evaluation quite early on from the child development psychologist who agreed that further investigation was required as some of J’s behavioural tendencies are not within the ‘standard’ parameters. For the most part, I couldn’t give a hoot – he’s still J, regardless of what label and diagnosis he may or may not end up with – but I want the support there for him, I want to know that everything was done to support him, and his learning and development.

Following the child development psychologist evaluation, I then took J to visit the GP as the school are unable to refer a child directly – it has to go through the GP. I took with me a letter from the SENCO recommending that further investigation was needed, as well as the report from the psychologist and my own folder which has a diary of sorts, noting down events or days that have been particularly good or particularly bad, for whetever reason, noting down things that have happened etc, just to see if we can find a pattern for the behaviour and also to show that there are times, listed and dated, when his behaviour is off the scale and I don’t know what to do.

The GP briefly read both reports, watched J play for 30 seconds and announced that she didn’t feel there was anything to be concerned with and what made me think there was any issue. I pushed my thick yellow folder of notes across the desk to her. “Do you have time to read it all?” I asked. I showed her a video, perhaps the quickest way of getting someone to stop and pay attention to what you’re saying – actual recording, documented proof of the behaviour described being played out. She watched it. “I’ll refer him,” she said, “But I warn you, it’ll be a long wait for an appointment.”

Within a couple of weeks the thick envelope came through from the unit regarding J’s recommendation and asking me a whole bunch of questions about him, his behaviour, everything. It was massive to fill in and took me ages, but it was worth it to get it all documented and get the wheels in motion so to speak. A second thick envelope was included for me to give to the school, which I addressed to the SENCO, and now we wait.

J’s behaviour, on the whole, has been a lot better in recent weeks. He has still had some moments, but generally speaking he has been really good. We’re doing a sticker diary now, so at bedtime we go through the days events and he gets stickers for things that he did well and we discuss the good and the not so good aspects of each day. Then he adds up how many stickers he got that day – if he gets a set amount of stickers (or more) within a week then he gets a special reward. His rewards so far have been simple, easy to accomplish requests – two weeks ago he wanted McDonalds for dinner, and to eat in rather than get take-away! Last week he asked for a new game – Daddy P got him Minecraft on the PS3 and he’s absolutely crazy about it.

Today he decided to be a pickle and he ran off around the playground at hometime with his best friend instead of walking nicely with me. It took 15 minutes until we left the playground. I made it clear why I wasn’t impressed with that, and he apologised and seemed to understand. I deliberately draw a line under things in a set amount of time so that he understands each ‘section’ of the day, otherwise each day is so long with no end in sight for him, so we break it down as much as possible, which I have found helps with his understanding of time as well as when we do the reward stickers in the diary each evening. So between school pick-up and getting home is one segment of time – once we were home, the next segment began, and since that point he has been really good again. I think sometimes he needs to just run off some steam with K. Maybe one night after school now the weather is getting better we can take both of them to the park or something for a picnic tea and let them run around for a while and wear themselves out. I might suggest it to K’s mum.

It’s been a while since I sent off the form for his assessment, but we’ll see what happens! Hopefully the SENCO has sent back her form, there was a warning on the letter that it had to be returned by a certain date or they’d discharge him with no further action so I might have to double check with her that the form was returned on time, though I’m sure it was. She must be used to this sort of thing in her position!

Time to go and cook my dinner now …

Peace, Love N Pizza,

Mummy P

xxxx

A Dramatic Improvement

Since the Major Meltdown at my brother’s house over half term, I have noticed a dramatic improvement in J’s overall behaviour. I don’t know whether it’s because he had such a huge meltdown that he got it all out of his system for a while, or whether he took note of what his Uncle J said to him that day, but whatever the reason we have had a very good couple of weeks since then. He has had his moments, but nothing more extreme than what I would expect for a four year old, and the moments have been stressful but quickly brought under control.

I am still keeping a diary of his behaviour, as if it becomes an issue again I want a record of how long the calm lasted before the storm. I am confident though that if it does eventually turn out that he is on the AS he is high functioning and it shouldn’t have a massive effect on his everyday life. He seems to be controlling himself a lot better recently, and I’ve taught him steps to control himself by breathing deeply, not saying or doing anything until he has taken a deep breath and pushed out that breath while envisioning he is pushing out the anger and frustration he is feeling. It seems to be helping for those moments when he does get upset.

I hope that it continues – he’s happier, and I’m more relaxed.