01.07.2015
Ever since he was little, we’ve
never really had much of an issue with J brushing his teeth or having a bath or
shower. He went through a phase about a year or so ago of not being keen to
have a bath, but at the suggestion of my friend @TheLittleBoysWhoWaited we
introduced glo sticks to the bath as a reward and because he adores glo sticks
this totally reversed the situation – it ended up being difficult to get him
out of the bath!
For the last couple of months
though, for no apparent reason, J has had an aversion to brushing his teeth and
having a bath or shower. Yesterday was a prime example – he was fabulous all
day, from getting dressed in the morning and walking to school, all the way
through beyond dinnertime. He went upstairs with Daddy P at 8pm for bedtime
without any fuss. He got into his PJs. He walked into the bathroom, and took
hold of his toothbrush. And there the argument started.
He brushed his teeth for perhaps
10 seconds before stopping. Daddy P asked him to carry on. “Please will you
help me, daddy” was the plead. Daddy P said “You carry on for a little longer,
and I’ll check them when you’re finished” J wasn’t having any of it. He
repeated his plea again and again and again, becoming louder, becoming more
upset, begging Daddy P to help him.
Now, this is where we hit a
stumbling block. Daddy P will continue repeating himself as much as J is,
gradually getting louder and more upset, and the two of them end up getting
upset and frustrated and saying the same thing over and over again. It doesn’t resolve
anything and it upsets me to hear them go at it like that. Eventually Daddy P
walked away and J was trying to bargain with him “If you come back, I’ll do it”
and Daddy P was saying “No, you haven’t done it when I’ve asked you all the
other times, why would I believe you now?” I went to the bathroom and prevented
J from getting out of it, explained calmly that he needed to carry on brushing
his teeth and Daddy P would come back as soon as he carried on. He tried to get
past me, his breathing fast, tears rolling down his cheeks, pleading with me, “I
need to get out, I need to get Daddy” and I was saying “No, no, if you sit down
and do as you’ve been asked Daddy comes back, if you don’t then he won’t” but
it took quite a while for him to calm down and do it. Maybe we’re doing it
wrong – we’ve tried every way we can think of and it still continues to be an
issue. He knows how to brush his teeth – he knows to brush his teeth for 2
minutes – he was so taken with Daddy’s electric toothbrush we got him his own
special Spiderman one which he loves – his toothpaste hasn’t changed, he still
uses the Aquafresh one for his age group and suddenly halfway through the
existing tube he started complaining that it’s “too minty”.
Every morning before school he brushes
his teeth for me without an issue. I cannot work out why on earth he feels so
differently about brushing his teeth in the evening – and it’s not just Daddy P
that has this toothbrush terror experience, if it’s my turn the same happens at
the same point. I don’t know why, I don’t know what kicked it off, I don’t know
how to stop it because I don’t know what started it.
As for bathtime … well … I really
don’t know what on earth happened there. Our shower was replaced a while back,
when the motor failed in the old one, but J is still very much focused on the
noise of the shower, despite the fact the noise was due to the old one having
issues and the new one is much more quiet. However like with his horror about
hand driers in public toilets, as soon as you reach for the shower controls in
front of him he freaks out, covering his ears, “No, no, no, no” crying big fat
tears and trying to run away and hide. I keep saying it’s OK, it’s the new
shower, it’s not as noisy, but even so it takes a while for him to calm down.
Once in the shower, he then doesn’t
want you to wet his head, because he’s so frightened of water going over his
face. Despite the fact he hasn’t had a ‘bad’ experience of soap in his eyes,
and I’ve deliberately got him some kids shampoo which doesn’t sting the eyes,
he will have a massive freak out about that, too, and then he’ll refuse to look
up like you’re asking so the bubbles and water goes into his eyes and over his
face and despite the fact it’s kids shampoo he’ll freak out. He doesn’t like
the way the water feels on him, because it tickles, and rather than saying “it’s
too hot” or “it’s too cold” he’ll just squeal a high pitched squeal and dance
and try to run away so you’re left frustrated and trying to guess what the
issue is. Sounds like it’s easier to just give him a bath, right? Wrong.
The trouble with a bath, is
getting him in it. He’ll come into the bathroom and then run out again. He’ll
shout, he’ll scream, he’ll freak out. He’ll squeal about the temperature of the
water, and if you manage to persuade him to put one toe into the water chances
are he’ll scream even more and run off screaming. If you manage to get a whole
foot in, then it’ll be with much screaming and crying and guilt on my part
because I think this cannot be good for him – it must be re-enforcing the idea
in his head that bathtime is something to be feared and dreaded and seen as
something horrible. Once in the bath, he’s OK, and he’ll wash no problem, but
again the hair washing is a traumatic experience, with more screaming and
crying and carrying-on.
Last weekend, we went to my
in-laws house, as my sister in law was there for the weekend. With her was my
nephew and my niece. J was thrilled to be going round there and seeing them but unfortunately he was far too
over-excited from the start and the day was particularly exhausting with much
screaming, crying and stressing – and that was just me! I’d had a brainwave,
that we’d take J’s bath stuff with us so him and his cousin A could have a bath
together; they’d last done it back around Christmas, and had a great time of
it, thoroughly enjoying themselves and there was no issue at all from J about
any of it. I thought maybe – just maybe – his cousin being there would make the
experience more enjoyable for J.
How wrong could I be. It was a
traumatic experience of tears, screaming, shouts of “no, no, no” , running off,
refusing to get into the bath, arguing etc. Poor A looked on confused – he loves
bathtime! – as his older cousin was freaking out completely and the noise in
the bathroom was amazing. Little baby A, my niece, came upstairs with Grandma
and to my amusement she seemed to find it entertaining – it was deafening in
the bathroom but there was little A giggling away as if it was the funniest
thing in the world! Me, however, I was less entertained. I was hot, I was
exhausted, and I was on the verge of crying. I had to get Daddy P upstairs to
help as everything I asked J to do he was refusing to do as I asked.
The entire experience was horrible,
and exhausting, and left me cross with J, which made me upset with myself for
being cross with J.
I’m becoming impatient now for
this CDC assessment – not to put J into a box, but because without this
assessment I’m unable to get the support I need right now for dealing with
instances like this. As I said, I’m sure by forcing the issue and getting into
stressful situations like this isn’t good for any of us – but he needs a bath,
or a shower, the same as he needs to brush his teeth, so what else can I do
apart from keep persevering, which leads to these awful situations? I can’t
cope with his meltdowns at the moment, they’re getting more frequent and more
difficult to get under control, and then when myself or Daddy P gets upset as
well I feel even more disappointed in ourselves. We’re going round and round in
circles, with no sign of it getting any better. I don’t want to spend my time
shouting and arguing with him and taking away his pleasures and making things
miserable for him, but I need help to better control these situations, to get
them under control quickly and prevent them escalating or, even better, help to
understand why he is reacting in this way and how I can stop it before it’s
started.
His sensory perception seems to
go into overload in the summer – whether it’s the heat, the bright colours, the
crowds of people, the noise, a combination of it all, I’m not sure, but at
times my wonderful, brilliant, bright little boy goes into complete meltdown
and I’m powerless to stop it or help him. It seems to get worse each time
summer rolls round – whether it’s as he’s getting older, or it’s because the
summer is becoming more difficult for him to deal with as he gets older, I’m
not sure, but we started off very positively with regards to support from his
school with this but since his ed psych assessment we seem to have hit a brick
wall and seem to be going nowhere. It looks like nagging Mummy P is going to
have to rear her head again in order to get things moving once more.
With that in mind, I’m off to
call the school SENCO to arrange a catch up meeting and see if we can’t shift
things along a bit. Perhaps with her job role she’ll be able to contact the CDC
and enquire whether we’re expected to wait much longer for his assessment, as I
fear the longer we wait, the more damage is being (unintentionally) done. I
hate the constant battles with him, he’s my boy and all I want to do is love
him and protect him, but at times when your buttons have been pushed all day,
all week long and you’re tired and fed up of the same old thing, it’s difficult
not to snap and shout and handle things badly – I hold my hands up, I am only
human after all and I do make mistakes! But I hope with some support and
guidance we can make it through this without it ending in the big tears of
upset, disappointment and guilt that too-often accompany our days.
Peace & Love,
Mummy P
x x x x x
If you’ve never dealt with a person with autism, it can be difficult to
understand. While J remains undiagnosed, as time goes on I
feel it is the key to unlocking his issues, better understanding them and
helping him. While a diagnosis will make no difference to how I feel about my
son, it will help me get the support he needs both at school and at home. For
more information on autism, please visit the National Autistic Society UK page.
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