“There’s A House Inside My Mummy”

Upon discovering I was pregnant, I was keen to help J understand what this meant not only for once baby was born, but for the duration of pregnancy – why I would be more tired than normal, the growing bump, etc, and I needed a child-friendly format for him to understand.

My cousin had already experienced this as her younger child has just turned a year old. I was talking to her about it and she recommended a book called “There’s A House Inside My Mummy”. I found it on E-Bay and purchased it on her recommendation. It arrived a couple of days later and I am pleased to say I wasn’t disappointed.

With colourful images and simple language, the book was ideal for helping explain to J what was going on. As the language was easy to understand, J was able to read the book himself, often choosing to read it to me and Daddy P, as well as asking for it to be read to him.

After reading it I would ask him whether he had any questions, or whether there was anything he hadn’t understood, which helped generate questions from him and discussion about the pregnancy including any concerns or worries that he had. It turned out that J had a big thing about me being poorly while nobody was at home to look after me (when Daddy P was at work and J was at school) and this lead to a few mornings of him becoming very upset when I dropped him off to school as he was worried I would be poorly at home alone. The book helped me to explain to him that it wasn’t that I was poorly-sick as he understood it, but rather I was poorly due to the changes going on in order for the baby in my tummy to grow (I had horrendous morning sickness up til 20 weeks that wasn’t limited to mornings only and I was being sick frequently throughout the day – the only time it paused was when I was asleep) I didn’t want him to blame the baby for making me sick, but at the same time he needed to understand it wasn’t that I was unwell in the sense of the word that he understood it to mean. At 20 weeks I was prescribed anti-sickness medication from the GP which resolved the situation.

Along with reading the book and talking about it, I also encouraged J to feel the bump so he could feel his baby brother kicking, he came with me for a couple of the scans (I had quite a few done!) and he helped me choose things for the baby so he felt involved. I got him a top to wear once baby was born – “Worlds Coolest Big Brother” – and a gift ‘from baby’ which he was given the first time he met the baby. It helped him feel more involved, understand what was going on a lot better, and I’m proud to say that (so far) we’ve had no issues with him being jealous of baby, or getting worried about anything to do with the pregnancy / baby coming home. In fact, he tells me on a daily basis that the baby is “so sweet” and “so cute” and he asks whether he can hug the baby several times a day (unless there is a dirty nappy involved, in which case he will simply announce that he is “outta here” as he scoots off through the door of the room without a backward glance.)

I highly recommend this book for parents expecting another baby – it’s really good and even if you won’t get further use out of it once this baby is born, you know you’ll be able to pass it on to family or friends expecting their second (or third, or fourth ….) or drop it into a charity shop when you’re done so another family can enjoy it.

Definitely one of the best, most read books in J’s (vast) collection. Five out of five from us!

Peace N Love,

Mummy P

X x x 

“A Bump Called Bob”

The morning of my 20 week scan, I was still in two minds about finding out whether bump was a girl or a boy. We never found out with J, and I still remember the moment clearly when Daddy P saw (after he was born) and said to me, “You were right” – and I don’t remember clearly a whole lot else about that time. It was exhilarating and exciting to wait to find out, and part of me wanted to do that again this time round.

However, on the other hand, part of me wanted to find out. If bump was a girl, I would get rid of all (most) of the bits I’d held onto from J and get a new-born wardrobe tailored toward her. Being able to tell J about his baby brother, or baby sister, whichever way round it was, would make it easier to discuss things with him and get him more used to the idea before baby arrived. He would be able to help me choose things specifically for baby.

Right up until the moment the lady started the scan I hadn’t made my mind up but then I thought to hell with it, I’m not going to do this again and I didn’t find out last time so let’s do it differently this time round and I said to her if it’s possible to tell me I’d like to find out.

Bump had different ideas. The 20 week scan, as you know, is an anomaly scan, so the sonographer needed to find certain things and tick certain boxes to confirm all was OK. Bump wasn’t in the right position for her to find and check all she needed to, nor was bump in the mood to let us in on the secret of whether J was going to have a baby brother or a baby sister. After 45 minutes of scan, the sonographer gave up and booked me in for another scan at 22 weeks. I left feeling pleased all was OK so far as she could tell, a little nervous that she hadn’t been able to confirm what she needed to, and a little disappointed that I still didn’t know bump’s secret.

The next appointment was on a date when J was on holiday from school. Daddy P and I made the decision to take him with us, to include him in the pregnancy as much as we could, to let him see baby and understand a little more. Unfortunately we were delayed getting into the scan to start with, so J had become bored and difficult at the wait, despite the fact I’d deliberately taken a little back pack for him with cars, little books to read and sticker books. We got into the room, and it was the same lady, so she started off and we were laughing and chatting and the atmosphere was relaxed.

To begin with, it held J’s attention, but once again bump was in an awkward position and the sonographer still couldn’t see what she needed to. She asked me again whether I wanted to know the secret, and I said yes, if it was possible. She smiled and had a check.

At that point J became bored of the scan as it had been going on for a little while and he wasn’t as interested as I had hoped he would be. He got off Daddy P’s lap and wandered off past the end of the couch I was lying on and where the sonographer was sitting and he went straight to the computer on the desk in the corner. Once he realised that at that end of the room was quite interesting he didn’t want to go back to Daddy P and the situation escalated quickly with J and Daddy P having a stand off about J doing what he was asked. In amongst it all, the sonographer looked at me and said, “I’m not sure, because the cord is between the legs, but I think, most probably, boy,” And despite the fuss of the two boys I already had bickering in the background I felt my heart burst.

The sonographer still hadn’t been able to check all she needed to, so the scan continued. J continued making a fuss, so Daddy P ended up having to take him out of the room. The room was nice and peaceful and she looked carefully and managed to see everything she needed to as bump shifted around. She checked again and said to me, “Yes, that’s a better view, I’d definitely say boy,”

While J’s meltdown only escalated, that’s a whole other story I won’t go into here, but for the rest of the day all I could think of was this second precious son I carried and all the overwhelmed feelings of how would I cope with two sons, and how wonderful two sons is, and how brilliant that my boys would have almost exactly five years between them, and how scary to go back now to the new-born days when J is an independent child now who likes to do as much as possible for himself. When I put him to bed that night, I asked him what he thought about the news that he was going to have a baby brother.

He threw his arms round me and told me he was very pleased about that, because he wanted a boy baby. We spoke about it for a little while and then, since Daddy P and I had already discussed names, and the fact that we couldn’t agree on a boys name, Daddy P asked J what he thought would be a good name for his brother.

J scrunched up his face and thought for a moment, then replied, “Bob.”

And so the nickname for this bump was born. This is Baby Bob.

“Waiting For A Delivery”

17.07.15

It’s always the way, isn’t it. You place an order for something, or make arrangements for something, and then something else pops up and interferes with your brilliantly made plans.

I ordered a product weeks ago. Months, even. It was out of stock, and has been since the order was placed.

Yesterday I got the e-mail I’d been waiting for – it was in stock, had been dispatched, and would be delivered to me by courier today.

Unfortunately, today I have a hospital appointment, so there will be a portion of the day I’m not here. It would be just my luck for the delivery to arrive while I’m out. (Because they can only say delivery will be “between 9am-5pm” and can be no more precise than that)

As the time I have my hospital appointment means I may not be home in time to collect J from school, I’ve made arrangements with my mum, who is coming up to my house as I write this (she’ll be on the M25 at the moment) so that if I’m still at hospital, she will go and collect J from school. This means even while I’m out, she will be here to accept the delivery I’m expecting.

What are the chances that the courier will arrive during the 10 minutes while mum is collecting J from school before I am home from the hospital? Or that I pull the car into the back garden just as the courier rings the front doorbell?

I’m going to have to keep my fingers crossed; I don’t want to miss this delivery because I’ve been waiting SO VERY LONG for this product to arrive! Product review coming soon!

Wish me Luck,

Mummy P

xxxxx

“Duxford Air Show”

12.07.15

Grandad P, Daddy P and J spent the day at the Duxford air show. Judging by the fact all three of them were utterly exhausted (in that contented, happy kind of way) by Sunday evening, it would seem that they all had a good time.

Daddy P took J’s ear protectors, and this was the first event he’d had them for, so I was interested to know how he got on with them. Obviously with it being an air show, I was thinking they would be most needed by J for when he was around the aircraft in flight – but while he did wear them a few times for that reason, the main success was in getting him to use the public loo, since there were those ‘Blade’ style hand driers which are quite loud and which always freak him out the most. Daddy P reported once he put the ear defenders on, J was quite happy to go into the loo and use it without worrying about the noise of the hand driers at all.

Grandad P got J a red aircraft which he refused to let go of last night once he got home, it came upstairs and joined J in bed to start with last night. I removed it before he fell asleep but wasn’t allowed to move it too far away from him; it had to sit on the chest of drawers where he could see it all night – and this morning he took it to school with him for show and tell. In the playground before school he was quite proudly showing it to all his classmates before school started.

J was quiet and cuddly last night when they got home – it had been an early start and a long, busy day for them – after eating some dinner I got his bath sorted out early and he was asleep in bed by 8pm (which is really his ‘proper’ bedtime, but for a bath-night it’s rare that he’s actually in bed by then, nevermind asleep) Both Daddy P and Grandad P were asleep on the sofa early (Grandma P sent me a photo after I sent one to her!) so I think a good day was enjoyed by them all.

Daddy P said that J’s behaviour was really good overall, something which Grandad P had also said to Grandma P, with only a couple of moments when he started to get carried away. I’m so pleased that the three of them had the opportunity to do it. I’m hoping times like that won’t be so few and far between now Daddy P and Grandad P have done it once and it’s been fine, maybe it’ll encourage a few more days out for them!

So for the first test run of the kids ear defenders, while it wasn’t so much the noise I’d anticipated that he’d want to cut out, I think we can call them a success because they did cut out noise that J wanted to, so that’s a plus – it stopped him bolting, which was my main concern when he feels overwhelmed by noise, and that’s what I wanted. So far, so good. Obviously now they’ll be part of our luggage when we go out, so we can update as needed, but in my opinion so far, if you want a decent set of ear defenders for kids, you could do worse than these. Ordering is straightforward, product arrived promptly, in good condition (brand new / boxed) with good packaging. Product is solid feeling (well made) good quality / well-padded and comfortable / folds small. I would recommend these.

* LINK TO E-BAY SHOP / TO PURCHASE *

Peace N Quiet,

Mummy P x x x 

“Mummy, It’s Too Loud”

08/07/15

From a young age, J has often complained about certain noises. For as long as I can remember I’ve had to be careful about hand driers in public toilets – even someone else using them can send him screaming off into a corner holding his ears and it can take him some time to calm down again afterwards. He went through a phase of hating the hairdryer and the hoover at home – now he will tolerate the hoover as long as he has warning of me preparing to use it, and on the understanding I don’t use it in the same room he’s in; with the hairdryer he is now happy to let me use it on him, but again it’s only on his terms – if he wants me to use it to dry his hair, and we have to count “1,2,3” before I switch it on and if at any point during the process he asks me to turn it off I have to do so quickly, or else he’ll freak out.

Other triggers I’ve found is the noise of a busy main road – the cars etc rushing back and forth is OK for a while, but quickly overwhelms him if it’s constant; the noise of helicopters is fascinating for him for a short time, but again it will quickly get too much. Sometimes, crowds of people is too much for him to cope with – other times, he’ll happily deal with it. I’ve found a lot of it depends on how tired he is, how much he’s already dealt with over the day, and also what his focus is – when we’re in McDonalds for instance he’ll deal with the noise of people talking, the beeping of the tils and the cooking equipment, the noise of the speakers for the drive-thru and the music playing, because he is focused intently on his Happy Meal, his toy, and his balloon – but if I take him into a ‘normal’ restaurant with no distraction, for instance when we’re seated and waiting for our meal to arrive, or in that aching long gap between main course and dessert, then the noises of his surroundings become too much and he’ll hide under the table covering his ears, or his go-to option tends to be to run, and try to escape the situation.

Sometimes, I find it’s not worth getting him worked up and upset and I will avoid the situation to avoid him having a rough time. Other times, it’s an important situation, such as a birthday meal or other special event, and we’ll go and deal with it but it takes careful planning – I’m never without some Lego to keep him amused, or a book we can read together, even a small packet of crayons or pencils and a colouring book to pass the time. When sitting somewhere I’ll try to sit us in a corner if its possible, and let him sit with his back to the wall and in the corner seat – not only does this seem to help make him feel more comfortable, but it slows down his progress if he does default to the ‘run’ setting, which can buy me valuable seconds to get up and catch up with him myself if necessary.

One thing I wasn’t aware of was how common this hyper sensitivity is amongst people on the autistic spectrum. I found this article enlightening and realised that once again J aligns with ‘typical’ characteristics of ASD.

A few weeks ago, Grandad P asked J if he would like to attend Duxford air show with him, and Daddy P. Initially J wasn’t too keen on the idea – it’s a totally new concept to him, he’s never been to an air show before as I was aware that the huge crowd and loud noises would be overwhelming to him – but he’s almost five now, and Daddy P went to air shows a lot with his dad as a child, as I did with my grandad, and it’s something we both associate with happy childhood memories, something I don’t want to deny J of. So we spoke about it some more, Grandad P showed J some models of aircraft that will be at the show and explained a bit more about it, and J liked the sound of it so by the end of the afternoon he was excited at the prospect of a day out with daddy and grandad.

My concern remained the large crowd and the noise. After all, if it was billed as a fun day out the last thing I wanted was J to become overwhelmed and either have a meltdown about it or run off, both of which would be bound to put a dampener on the day. I spoke with Daddy P about the idea of some ear defenders, and he agreed that sounded like a very good plan.

I ordered these from E Bay, and they arrived within a few days of placing the order. They’re a bright, funky colour, they’re sturdy and appear to be designed with comfort and practicality in mind. I was very pleased when they arrived.

So far J has only tried them on in the house, and he said they made everything sound funny – well I suppose they would, as they minimise sound so in an already quiet environment it must be a bit disorientating having sound minimised even more. I’ve explained to him though that he’ll take them with him when he goes to the air show, and if he feels that the noise is getting a bit much, and he’s getting a bit overwhelmed, he needs to tell daddy or grandad and they can help him put his ear defenders on to help him have a bit of peace and quiet without having to leave the situation completely, because I want him to see the aircraft in flight and enjoy the show, to not miss out on the point of the air show because of the noise that comes with it. The fact that the pilots will also be wearing ear defenders is something I’m hoping will encourage him to put them on, as it won’t seem out of place to be wearing them if he sees other people wearing them too.

The air show is this weekend, so I’ll let you know next week how he gets on!

Peace & Love

Mummy P

xxxx

“Toothbrush Tantrums & Bathtime Blues”

01.07.2015

Ever since he was little, we’ve never really had much of an issue with J brushing his teeth or having a bath or shower. He went through a phase about a year or so ago of not being keen to have a bath, but at the suggestion of my friend @TheLittleBoysWhoWaited we introduced glo sticks to the bath as a reward and because he adores glo sticks this totally reversed the situation – it ended up being difficult to get him out of the bath!

For the last couple of months though, for no apparent reason, J has had an aversion to brushing his teeth and having a bath or shower. Yesterday was a prime example – he was fabulous all day, from getting dressed in the morning and walking to school, all the way through beyond dinnertime. He went upstairs with Daddy P at 8pm for bedtime without any fuss. He got into his PJs. He walked into the bathroom, and took hold of his toothbrush. And there the argument started.

He brushed his teeth for perhaps 10 seconds before stopping. Daddy P asked him to carry on. “Please will you help me, daddy” was the plead. Daddy P said “You carry on for a little longer, and I’ll check them when you’re finished” J wasn’t having any of it. He repeated his plea again and again and again, becoming louder, becoming more upset, begging Daddy P to help him.

Now, this is where we hit a stumbling block. Daddy P will continue repeating himself as much as J is, gradually getting louder and more upset, and the two of them end up getting upset and frustrated and saying the same thing over and over again. It doesn’t resolve anything and it upsets me to hear them go at it like that. Eventually Daddy P walked away and J was trying to bargain with him “If you come back, I’ll do it” and Daddy P was saying “No, you haven’t done it when I’ve asked you all the other times, why would I believe you now?” I went to the bathroom and prevented J from getting out of it, explained calmly that he needed to carry on brushing his teeth and Daddy P would come back as soon as he carried on. He tried to get past me, his breathing fast, tears rolling down his cheeks, pleading with me, “I need to get out, I need to get Daddy” and I was saying “No, no, if you sit down and do as you’ve been asked Daddy comes back, if you don’t then he won’t” but it took quite a while for him to calm down and do it. Maybe we’re doing it wrong – we’ve tried every way we can think of and it still continues to be an issue. He knows how to brush his teeth – he knows to brush his teeth for 2 minutes – he was so taken with Daddy’s electric toothbrush we got him his own special Spiderman one which he loves – his toothpaste hasn’t changed, he still uses the Aquafresh one for his age group and suddenly halfway through the existing tube he started complaining that it’s “too minty”.

Every morning before school he brushes his teeth for me without an issue. I cannot work out why on earth he feels so differently about brushing his teeth in the evening – and it’s not just Daddy P that has this toothbrush terror experience, if it’s my turn the same happens at the same point. I don’t know why, I don’t know what kicked it off, I don’t know how to stop it because I don’t know what started it.

As for bathtime … well … I really don’t know what on earth happened there. Our shower was replaced a while back, when the motor failed in the old one, but J is still very much focused on the noise of the shower, despite the fact the noise was due to the old one having issues and the new one is much more quiet. However like with his horror about hand driers in public toilets, as soon as you reach for the shower controls in front of him he freaks out, covering his ears, “No, no, no, no” crying big fat tears and trying to run away and hide. I keep saying it’s OK, it’s the new shower, it’s not as noisy, but even so it takes a while for him to calm down.

Once in the shower, he then doesn’t want you to wet his head, because he’s so frightened of water going over his face. Despite the fact he hasn’t had a ‘bad’ experience of soap in his eyes, and I’ve deliberately got him some kids shampoo which doesn’t sting the eyes, he will have a massive freak out about that, too, and then he’ll refuse to look up like you’re asking so the bubbles and water goes into his eyes and over his face and despite the fact it’s kids shampoo he’ll freak out. He doesn’t like the way the water feels on him, because it tickles, and rather than saying “it’s too hot” or “it’s too cold” he’ll just squeal a high pitched squeal and dance and try to run away so you’re left frustrated and trying to guess what the issue is. Sounds like it’s easier to just give him a bath, right? Wrong.

The trouble with a bath, is getting him in it. He’ll come into the bathroom and then run out again. He’ll shout, he’ll scream, he’ll freak out. He’ll squeal about the temperature of the water, and if you manage to persuade him to put one toe into the water chances are he’ll scream even more and run off screaming. If you manage to get a whole foot in, then it’ll be with much screaming and crying and guilt on my part because I think this cannot be good for him – it must be re-enforcing the idea in his head that bathtime is something to be feared and dreaded and seen as something horrible. Once in the bath, he’s OK, and he’ll wash no problem, but again the hair washing is a traumatic experience, with more screaming and crying and carrying-on.

Last weekend, we went to my in-laws house, as my sister in law was there for the weekend. With her was my nephew and my niece. J was thrilled to be going round there and seeing them but unfortunately he was far too over-excited from the start and the day was particularly exhausting with much screaming, crying and stressing – and that was just me! I’d had a brainwave, that we’d take J’s bath stuff with us so him and his cousin A could have a bath together; they’d last done it back around Christmas, and had a great time of it, thoroughly enjoying themselves and there was no issue at all from J about any of it. I thought maybe – just maybe – his cousin being there would make the experience more enjoyable for J.

How wrong could I be. It was a traumatic experience of tears, screaming, shouts of “no, no, no” , running off, refusing to get into the bath, arguing etc. Poor A looked on confused – he loves bathtime! – as his older cousin was freaking out completely and the noise in the bathroom was amazing. Little baby A, my niece, came upstairs with Grandma and to my amusement she seemed to find it entertaining – it was deafening in the bathroom but there was little A giggling away as if it was the funniest thing in the world! Me, however, I was less entertained. I was hot, I was exhausted, and I was on the verge of crying. I had to get Daddy P upstairs to help as everything I asked J to do he was refusing to do as I asked.

The entire experience was horrible, and exhausting, and left me cross with J, which made me upset with myself for being cross with J.

I’m becoming impatient now for this CDC assessment – not to put J into a box, but because without this assessment I’m unable to get the support I need right now for dealing with instances like this. As I said, I’m sure by forcing the issue and getting into stressful situations like this isn’t good for any of us – but he needs a bath, or a shower, the same as he needs to brush his teeth, so what else can I do apart from keep persevering, which leads to these awful situations? I can’t cope with his meltdowns at the moment, they’re getting more frequent and more difficult to get under control, and then when myself or Daddy P gets upset as well I feel even more disappointed in ourselves. We’re going round and round in circles, with no sign of it getting any better. I don’t want to spend my time shouting and arguing with him and taking away his pleasures and making things miserable for him, but I need help to better control these situations, to get them under control quickly and prevent them escalating or, even better, help to understand why he is reacting in this way and how I can stop it before it’s started.

His sensory perception seems to go into overload in the summer – whether it’s the heat, the bright colours, the crowds of people, the noise, a combination of it all, I’m not sure, but at times my wonderful, brilliant, bright little boy goes into complete meltdown and I’m powerless to stop it or help him. It seems to get worse each time summer rolls round – whether it’s as he’s getting older, or it’s because the summer is becoming more difficult for him to deal with as he gets older, I’m not sure, but we started off very positively with regards to support from his school with this but since his ed psych assessment we seem to have hit a brick wall and seem to be going nowhere. It looks like nagging Mummy P is going to have to rear her head again in order to get things moving once more.

With that in mind, I’m off to call the school SENCO to arrange a catch up meeting and see if we can’t shift things along a bit. Perhaps with her job role she’ll be able to contact the CDC and enquire whether we’re expected to wait much longer for his assessment, as I fear the longer we wait, the more damage is being (unintentionally) done. I hate the constant battles with him, he’s my boy and all I want to do is love him and protect him, but at times when your buttons have been pushed all day, all week long and you’re tired and fed up of the same old thing, it’s difficult not to snap and shout and handle things badly – I hold my hands up, I am only human after all and I do make mistakes! But I hope with some support and guidance we can make it through this without it ending in the big tears of upset, disappointment and guilt that too-often accompany our days.

Peace & Love,

Mummy P

x x x x x

If you’ve never dealt with a person with autism, it can be difficult to understand. While J remains undiagnosed, as time goes on I feel it is the key to unlocking his issues, better understanding them and helping him. While a diagnosis will make no difference to how I feel about my son, it will help me get the support he needs both at school and at home. For more information on autism, please visit the National Autistic Society UK page.

“Days Like These”

23/06/15

Sometimes, we have periods of days at a time where J’s behaviour is fabulous. Not flawless, because what four year old child is, but days at a time when we don’t have meltdowns or tantrums, hitting or throwing things.

At other times, we struggle to get through a day without several instances of up / down behaviour. Days like these are exhausting. Days like these, when I’m pushed to my limits, I wonder how I can cope, I wonder what I’m doing wrong, I wonder why I’m such a rubbish mum that he acts this way. Days like these are, unfortunately, more often than not.

Today, we’d had a fabulous day. He was up this morning in a good mood, well rested and energised. He ate breakfast and got washed and dressed without me having to prompt him every two minutes to hurry up. We left the house on time and he walked nicely to school, holding my hand, chattering excitedly as four year olds do at 8.30am about who he was going to see, who he wanted to play with and talk to, and the things he wanted to do. At school, the door opened and he gave me a hug and a kiss and with a casual, “Bye mum, love you” over his shoulder he ran full pelt up the ramp and into school. The teacher who stands at the door looked over to me and gave me a big smile and two thumbs up. I smiled and gave her a thumbs up back. A successful morning.

At the end of school, the teaching assistant Miss Brown said to me that J had a good day. She said they’d spoken about the school trip tomorrow and he was excited about it – I had been dubious as he’d been rather apprehensive last week at the prospect of travelling out of school without me or Daddy P – but she said today they’d had a chat and she’d told him some of the things they’d be seeing and doing and he was looking forward to it. One of the children celebrates their birthday tomorrow, so their birthday lunch was today and each child in the class walked out with a cupcake. Miss Morris, the other teaching assistant, smiled at me and said it had been a good day today. J came out happily, clutching his cupcake, and took my hand to walk out of the school without any issue.

We walked part of the way home with his best friend, K, and her mum and baby sister. J and K were chatting and hugging the whole time, as they do, and when we got to the point where they head in the opposite direction to get to their house, K ran off from her mum because she wanted to come home with us. Instead of running off to join her, J stood next to me, holding my hand, and called her a silly head for running away from her mum, and told her she should come back and hold her mums hand, because we were on a main road and, as he pointed out, main roads are dangerous and she shouldn’t be running around like that next to one. When she ran back, her mum managed to get hold of her hand, and she and J hugged and kissed and said goodbye. Without any argument, J then turned and walked away from her, still holding my hand, and we walked home. A successful school pick up.

At home, he got changed and then we sat down to do his homework. He was a bit silly about it at times, and got a bit distracted, but I reminded him that it needed to be done before I’d let him watch any TV (the biggest threat there meaning he couldn’t watch his beloved DanTDM Minecraft videos on YouTube) It helped to focus him, and the homework was finished before the timer went off. He watched some YouTube videos while I cooked his dinner, and ate most of his dinner before the timer went off. A successful homework and dinner time.

Daddy P got home from work, and we watched TV together with J cuddled up on the sofa with me, and Daddy P and I ate dinner. Unfortunately it ended up that it was later than it should have been by the time J went upstairs with Daddy P and that’s where the issues started. To start off J didn’t want to get into his PJs – then he started being silly about brushing his teeth, and started arguing with Daddy P about it. It didn’t take long for this to escalate, as they (metaphorically) butted heads as only a parent and a child who share a similar personality will do. The job of brushing teeth before bed, which should in theory take only a couple of minutes, turned into a 20 minute mission with J becoming upset, frustrated, crying, shouting, kicking, hitting, calling Daddy P a meanie head and generally the both of them becoming wound up by what should have been a straightforward situation.

Once it was done, and J was back in his bedroom, the switch flicked again and J was calm, wanting cuddles, seeking my affection and wanting to snuggle down and have stories read to him, as if the screaming and shouting of the last 20 minutes hadn’t happened.

It was only a small hiccup in an otherwise fabulous day. For J, it was a tiny glitch and given that it wasn’t a huge meltdown and it only lasted 20 minutes, that was a very minor moment over the whole day. But it’s an example of how quickly his mood will swing.

It’s difficult, as his parent, not to continue feeling annoyed and disgruntled with him for the less desirable behaviour once the moment has passed and he is once again ‘up’ and behaving in a more desirable way. You have to literally take a moment to have a deep breath before you continue, because if you carry on feeling down after a glitch like that, you’ll very quickly push J back into another moment. The more moments he has over the day, the more tiring it is for you both, and the worse the day feels. If you can get over it as quickly as he does, and move onto the next moment of the day without carrying those feelings of annoyance over from one moment to the next, then you’re going to have a better day.

It’s difficult, because parents who don’t deal with this type of behaviour often (I’m sure) think I’m being soft on J, that I’m somehow not punishing him enough for the less desirable behaviour, that I’m forgiving and forgetting too easily – but he processes things and deals with things in a different way to the generally accepted way of processing and dealing, and I’ve found that for him, my way of dealing seems to work well (on the whole). I break each day down into small segments – as well as remembering that he processes differently, he is only four years old, he’s still learning and developing, and a day to him is a long period of time, so it’s important, I think, not to carry on about something that happened in the morning well into the evening – it’s lost relevance by then. By breaking the day down into smaller segments, it makes it easier for him to process and it makes it easier for him to understand consequences of his actions. There’s no point telling him off in the evening for something he did in the morning. At the end of each day, we talk about the day in segments, and I award him stickers for each segment if he has behaved well for that particular segment. If not, no sticker, and then we count up how many stickers he has earned over the whole day, so then this allows him to see whether he has had a good day or a not so good day.

I’m learning more and more each day from him on what works better, how he works, what works for us as a team as we try to understand one another, what’s expected, what’s accepted, and we both make mistakes on a daily basis. The most important thing to me, is that no matter what, J knows I’m on his side; I’m trying my best, and I know he is, too. This journey we’re on has only just begun, and it’s exhausting and overwhelming and daunting, but we’ll make it together, because after all, he’s my boy, I’m his mum, and that love gives me the strength to fight these battles with him, to stand up straight and look to the future and not to be scared of it, but to want to educate myself, and others, and to find out all I can to help me better understand how I can support him.

It does make me angry and frustrated when people stare because he’s stimming, or behaving in a way they don’t understand because he’s feeling overwhelmed in a situation, but it doesn’t help to try and deal with them at the same time, so I tend to block out everyone else and deal with J as if we’re the only two people there. Quite often when I’m doing that, other people try and talk to me, try to help, try to make suggestions, and I find it easier to ignore them, which I’m sure they think is me being rude, and in a way it is, but my point is that I need to deal with him and the issues that he is having at that time – He is my priority, and with someone else trying to interfere with that it is not helping the situation.  If they stick around for long enough after the incident for me to speak with them, I’ll try to explain, but more often than not people tend to either leave you to it or when you try and explain they think you’re making excuses for what is a badly behaved child. I’ve overheard people say that I just need to tell him no, that I need to be more strict with him, that I need to give him a smack, and trust me when I say there have been times when I’ve wondered the same myself – but I’m not soft on him, he has rules and limitations and I don’t let him run riot, so even though I have these moments of doubt I can say confidently that this isn’t the reason for his less desirable behaviour. As for giving him a smack – well no, I don’t believe that solves anything. I have slapped his hands for things like reaching toward the fire or going to poke the dog, but I’m not the sort of person who believes that smacking a child to discipline them works, on the whole. I prefer to teach by example, rather than using fear of physical injury.

We’re no closer to any kind of diagnosis, which is frustrating, because I’m still waiting for an appointment for his assessment with the CDC. Having said that, I appreciate we are already at this point in the process, as I know of other people whose children are older than J who are still waiting for their GP to provide a referral, or for their child’s school to recognise an issue and start the ball in motion. I’m relieved that J’s school picked up on it quickly, and early on, and have taken it seriously, and I’m grateful to the SENCO at his school who has been by my side from early on supporting me and guiding me to get to the bottom of it all.

We’re just taking each day as it comes – as exhausting and exhilarating as it is – but by doing that we’re getting through each week, each month – and each year. He’ll be five in a little over two months time, yet it seems like just yesterday he was born. While some days feel endless, and I’m exhausted and don’t think I can do it all again tomorrow, we’re getting there together and at the end of each day, no matter what it’s been like, when he hugs me tightly and tells me he loves me, I know absolutely that every single moment is worthwhile.

Peace & Love,

Mummy P

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